International dating involves a lot of barriers. The first of these is of course distance and it tends to dominate the relationship in the early stages. What a lot of new participants in international dating soon experience though can be more of a barrier – and that is the cultural differences between each partner. Today I want to look at that in depth and in particular answer the question – why don’t Russian women smile?
A smile in Western society conveys several meanings. On the surface it shows happiness and joy. On a subconscious level, a smile creates trust and rapport. To loosely quote Mark Twain “wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been”. It displays happiness and acceptance of other people.
To put his into context of your partner, the first image you saw of her was most likely from her online profile. She probably included photos taken by her family where she was smiling and enjoying what was going on around her. As your friendship progressed into a relationship, you probably started to use a webcam. Though a bit grainy, you could see her well enough and she often smiled back at you.
If your partner is the only contact you have had with any Eastern European society, then what comes next is going to be a culture shock for you. You are going to get on a plane and go visit her. As soon as you cross into Russian airspace, everyone (and I do mean everyone) is not going to smile at you. The woman processing your visa as you enter customs is going to treat you with disdain. The middle aged waitress who serves you at dinner that night will treat you with a level just above contempt. Well, this is how it is going to appear to you anyway until you settle into your new surroundings.
Russia is a land of contrast. The people are genuinely warm, caring and friendly but only to people they know. They rarely show this emotion in public. If you are an American, British or Australian man, you are going to have difficulty adjusting to this at first. You are use to service with a smile. You are use to offering up a quick smile as an apology if you suddenly block someone’s way on the sidewalk. But not here. At best, you will be greeted with a neutral expression.
So why is this? Why don’t Russian people smile? It is their culture born out of a century of oppression. This is a country that sent 20 million of its own people to the gulags in Siberia during the 1930′s, 40′s and 50′s. This is one of the coldest and harshest inhabited places of earth. The Road Of Bones that connects Magadan and Yakutsk is aptly named as the inmates from the labor camps and gulags who died while building the road are buried under or laid next to the road.
Being suddenly ‘disappeared’ from society and ending up here up here did not mean you were a violent criminal. Everyday Russians were sent here for trivial items such as being late for work, petty theft or anti-government jokes. It was a form on national punishment used to control the masses. And it worked. People became paranoid of anyone they did not know. It created a survival consciousness that avoided eye contact or smiling at anyone.
Fortunately, this is changing. The older generation will not change but younger Russian people are being westernized. An 18 year old girl will readily smile at you if you just thanked her for the service she just provided while serving you lunch or selling a movie ticket. You will also find a contrast from the public life of Russian people and what they are like in the family home. A man who appears hard and unforgiving outside is a warm and caring husband or father once he comes home for the day.
If your relationship is at the point where you are about to get on a plane and experience this first hand, remember to take it in your stride. The parting advice that I can give you is when you do enter a Russian home for the first time, remember to take a gift with you to thank your hosts. They are welcoming you as a friend or even one of their family. Respect that moment and show your thanks.
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